I woke her up on Sunday right before church like I always do. This time she was sleeping in Ecuador when I did it.
Church is a time when we really miss Sabrina. We have little rituals. We all hold hands during the Lords Prayer, and the we all get hugs for the sign of peace. I know this sounds really corny, silly, lame etc. The truth is our weeks are crazy busy, and there is uncertainty woven into every day.... Except this window on Sunday Morning.
We sit behind Jean, we get communion from Jim, we hang on the sage words of Father Noone. Afterwards we adjourn to Brueggers for 13 Everything Bagels, with tubs of cream cheese> Kim and I do the unthinkable.... we go to Dunkin Donuts to get our coffee, and then bring it in with us to Brueggers.
It is all as simple as it gets, marshmellow soft... but it is really a rock that provides a fixed point in our life.
This morning before we went to church, we called Ecuador. Sabrina's host father Marco answered the phone. We spoke in broken Spanglish for awhile. I told him how grateful I am to him and his family. Marco told me how nice Sabrina is, and that he is glad to host her.
Sabrina got on the phone, and ran off all the details I have thought about asking about. Sabrina sounded a little homesick, but also very strong, and forward looking. In about 1 week Sabrina starts school. That is something she has to look forward to. Once her day is fuller, and she meets more people her age, she will have less time to ponder. Pondering for Adikes' is like fire to moths. We love it, savor it, indulge it, and then it wipes us out. We like to think, but should avoid anything bigger than the time it takes to shower.... JK
Go Beenie Go! We are so proud of you!
Yo Daddy
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
One week conquered
I know that one week wasn't really conquered. This is a mind twist I do to myself to get past difficult things, I change them into sports metaphors or something.
I want it to read, "1 Week Savored" or "1 Week Richer." I know that this time is great for Sabrina on so many different levels. Learning Spanish is a metaphor. That is tangible, and measurable. I also know that Sabrina is working from the inside out of being a stranger. I know that Sabrina has put herself in a position to be an outsider. In the end her people skill, and self confidence will be treasures for her just as precious as her ability to speak Spanish.
I drove past New Paltz yesterday (Where Sabrina will be a Freshman next year.) I thought of how much fun it will be to go to orientation. I thought of how "un-traumatic" the experience will be. Imagine kids and parents crying because they will be 2-3 hours away from home. In our case it will be a breeze. This will be the same when Sabrina takes a job, or gets married. We have faced separation now, and we are conquering it.
I saw Christopher (Sabrina's 8 year old brother) watching Sabrina's favorite show on TV (The Gilmore Girls.) When Sabrina was here they would fight each afternoon over the big TV. This is in a house with 6 TV's. Christopher would rage against the Gilmore Girls, and Sabrina would fight for the right to rewatch episodes she had seen before. Now when Christopher is watching, I know exactly what he is doing. Christopher is trying to catch the essence of his sister in the air. It is here. Sabrina is in ever corner of every room... I am leaving now to get my coffee, and when I order it I will think of her chuckling as I say "CreamOnly.. CreamOnly.."
I am proud of my daughter, and grateful for her inspirational courage. Go Beenie!
I want it to read, "1 Week Savored" or "1 Week Richer." I know that this time is great for Sabrina on so many different levels. Learning Spanish is a metaphor. That is tangible, and measurable. I also know that Sabrina is working from the inside out of being a stranger. I know that Sabrina has put herself in a position to be an outsider. In the end her people skill, and self confidence will be treasures for her just as precious as her ability to speak Spanish.
I drove past New Paltz yesterday (Where Sabrina will be a Freshman next year.) I thought of how much fun it will be to go to orientation. I thought of how "un-traumatic" the experience will be. Imagine kids and parents crying because they will be 2-3 hours away from home. In our case it will be a breeze. This will be the same when Sabrina takes a job, or gets married. We have faced separation now, and we are conquering it.
I saw Christopher (Sabrina's 8 year old brother) watching Sabrina's favorite show on TV (The Gilmore Girls.) When Sabrina was here they would fight each afternoon over the big TV. This is in a house with 6 TV's. Christopher would rage against the Gilmore Girls, and Sabrina would fight for the right to rewatch episodes she had seen before. Now when Christopher is watching, I know exactly what he is doing. Christopher is trying to catch the essence of his sister in the air. It is here. Sabrina is in ever corner of every room... I am leaving now to get my coffee, and when I order it I will think of her chuckling as I say "CreamOnly.. CreamOnly.."
I am proud of my daughter, and grateful for her inspirational courage. Go Beenie!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Messing up her room
I was very touched when Allison cleaned Sabrinas side of their room within hours of Sabrina's departure. Kimberly had staked out the job as her contribution to the tornado of Sabrina leaving.
We went down to her room and it was clean... Now I have a new term.... It was "too clean." It displeases me! I feel like posting an ad on Craigslist.. "Wanted teenage girl to trash room, and maintain a messy state for 300 days.
That bedroom looks like a hotel room now. I liked it when it had a stack of papers that moved back and forth bed to bed like birds migrating with the seasons. I miss the circular piles of cloths. Clean cloths on the dresser, dirty cloths piled in a corner, and cloths that are not clean or dirty strown across the floor. That room was alive. It had a pulse and a rhythm that was palpable.
We got plenty of communications from Sabrina yesterday. I know she had a party to go to last night. I would have waited up for her.. but it wouldn't work.
Kimberly and I took C-Dog and his buddy Tyler for a swim in Shellys pool last night. That will be our last. It is actually in the 40's at night now that summer is showing us it's rear end as it heads away. After the pool we whipped up some grilled chicken breast sandwiches from the Bar B Que. We watched the Mets stomp on Wahsington as Tom Glavine got win #301. After Christopher went to bed, Kimberly and I watched Intervention. We used to like it. You really care about the families, and you hope for the best, and in the last seconds of the show you see if the intervention is working. It is like a real life horror movie. We also like it because it makes us worldly about the crap kids are up to.
Last night it was harder than ever to watch. We have more kids that we worry about, and less control over them all of the time. We went from being the quarterback on the field, making decisions and doing what needed to be done ... to.... spectators. We are fans, we root and cheer for all of our kids, but we can't make decisions for them anymore.
This is not a complaint by any stretch. We did what we had to do. We parented Thomas, Justin, David, Allison and Sabrina. They are all great kids, and we trust that the ingredients are inside each of them to make great lives, and impact the world in positive ways. We just are maturing ourselves into the uncertainty of it all.
Sabrina, I hope you had a great time at the party you went to last night. I am so glad the Leiva family is so kind to you. I am happy for you, and I miss you.
If I absolutely can't stand it, I may have to trash your room myself.
Love,
Dad
We went down to her room and it was clean... Now I have a new term.... It was "too clean." It displeases me! I feel like posting an ad on Craigslist.. "Wanted teenage girl to trash room, and maintain a messy state for 300 days.
That bedroom looks like a hotel room now. I liked it when it had a stack of papers that moved back and forth bed to bed like birds migrating with the seasons. I miss the circular piles of cloths. Clean cloths on the dresser, dirty cloths piled in a corner, and cloths that are not clean or dirty strown across the floor. That room was alive. It had a pulse and a rhythm that was palpable.
We got plenty of communications from Sabrina yesterday. I know she had a party to go to last night. I would have waited up for her.. but it wouldn't work.
Kimberly and I took C-Dog and his buddy Tyler for a swim in Shellys pool last night. That will be our last. It is actually in the 40's at night now that summer is showing us it's rear end as it heads away. After the pool we whipped up some grilled chicken breast sandwiches from the Bar B Que. We watched the Mets stomp on Wahsington as Tom Glavine got win #301. After Christopher went to bed, Kimberly and I watched Intervention. We used to like it. You really care about the families, and you hope for the best, and in the last seconds of the show you see if the intervention is working. It is like a real life horror movie. We also like it because it makes us worldly about the crap kids are up to.
Last night it was harder than ever to watch. We have more kids that we worry about, and less control over them all of the time. We went from being the quarterback on the field, making decisions and doing what needed to be done ... to.... spectators. We are fans, we root and cheer for all of our kids, but we can't make decisions for them anymore.
This is not a complaint by any stretch. We did what we had to do. We parented Thomas, Justin, David, Allison and Sabrina. They are all great kids, and we trust that the ingredients are inside each of them to make great lives, and impact the world in positive ways. We just are maturing ourselves into the uncertainty of it all.
Sabrina, I hope you had a great time at the party you went to last night. I am so glad the Leiva family is so kind to you. I am happy for you, and I miss you.
If I absolutely can't stand it, I may have to trash your room myself.
Love,
Dad
Friday, August 17, 2007
Great News... McDonalds is here.
I went to bed at 1:30AM after checking my email for a sign that Sabrina had made it safely to Ecuador. I didn't expect to hear, but I hoped to hear. I know I have to let go, but this is a little like being really hot, and jumping in a cold pool. Shock is what I would call it.
I crawled into bed, and told Kimberly I was letting go, and not having any expectations. Literally 2 minutes later Sabrina called. She was giggling, and I could hear Nia in the background laughing with her.
Sabrina said "There is a McDonalds on the corner." I said "So you live in a city" and Sabrina said "Yes."
I got off the phone because I have no idea what it costs to call the US from Ecuador, but I was grateful to Sabrina's host family for the call and didn't want to use 1 extra minute.
So right now I imagine my little girl eating a Sausage, Egg and Cheese McGriddle in a city in Ecuador, and planning a trip to the mall.
I know the world is getting smaller. On behalf of all overweight Americans, I aopologize to the fine people of Ecuador for McDonalds. As for me, I will take Cafe con Leche, Huevos, Papas y Chorizo.... You can keep the egg McMuffin.
As for us: We went to Shelly's house last night with the JV. C &P fed the horse, played in the pool, and ate Subway for dinner... then left over pizza for after dinner. I watched the Mets get a 5-0 lead over the Pittsburgh Pirates, and eventually lose 10-7. I cursed at the TV a little, and called it a night.
Before I went to bed, I had a slice of Sabrina's going away cake.
I crawled into bed, and told Kimberly I was letting go, and not having any expectations. Literally 2 minutes later Sabrina called. She was giggling, and I could hear Nia in the background laughing with her.
Sabrina said "There is a McDonalds on the corner." I said "So you live in a city" and Sabrina said "Yes."
I got off the phone because I have no idea what it costs to call the US from Ecuador, but I was grateful to Sabrina's host family for the call and didn't want to use 1 extra minute.
So right now I imagine my little girl eating a Sausage, Egg and Cheese McGriddle in a city in Ecuador, and planning a trip to the mall.
I know the world is getting smaller. On behalf of all overweight Americans, I aopologize to the fine people of Ecuador for McDonalds. As for me, I will take Cafe con Leche, Huevos, Papas y Chorizo.... You can keep the egg McMuffin.
As for us: We went to Shelly's house last night with the JV. C &P fed the horse, played in the pool, and ate Subway for dinner... then left over pizza for after dinner. I watched the Mets get a 5-0 lead over the Pittsburgh Pirates, and eventually lose 10-7. I cursed at the TV a little, and called it a night.
Before I went to bed, I had a slice of Sabrina's going away cake.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
And just like that she was gone
At 6:00 this morning, we watched Sabrina walk through customs with her blue blazer on, heading for a different chapter in her life. She was the picture of grace as she did it.
Allison, Kimberly, Christopher and I were all peering over the ropes and past the hardware.
When I worry about Sabrina in Ecuador, I comfort myself with this notion of a guardian angel on her shoulder. I am not bold enough to say I believe it, but I an also not prideful enough to say it isn't so.
The truth of my life has found me on the other side of some obstacles that I know I didn't beat myself. As I look back, I know that I didn't have the character, brains, or guts to do some of the things I have done. I know there is an intangible force that sustains, guides, and supports us when the tank is dry but there are still miles to drive.
Today my evidence came in the form of Zoe. Just as the whole family was getting ready to give into the lonely image of Sabrina leaving alone and being put through the security theatre with us kept on the other side...... We see Zoe. Zoe is a girl from Albany High School who is also going to Ecuador. There she was in her blue blazer. By the time the line snakes twice, Sabrina and Zoe are oblivious to their families, and are shucking and jiving like it is a line at the grocery store. No additional tears, woe, dread.....nothing. While that is happening, Zoe's Mom and Kimberly are kibitzing about messy rooms, late night phone calls, and how the girls are still girls. Complaining is the comfort food of Mom's.
I was well pleased that my daughter handled this. I know most people would explain the "of courses" of 2 girls going to Ecuador meeting there. As for me.... I like to credit the angels. I am not willing to give them up. I like to think that my deceased grandparents, and Sabrina's deceased grandfather told those angels now precious this cargo is. I predict that over the next 10 months those angels will appear again and again.
Allison, Kimberly, Christopher and I were all peering over the ropes and past the hardware.
When I worry about Sabrina in Ecuador, I comfort myself with this notion of a guardian angel on her shoulder. I am not bold enough to say I believe it, but I an also not prideful enough to say it isn't so.
The truth of my life has found me on the other side of some obstacles that I know I didn't beat myself. As I look back, I know that I didn't have the character, brains, or guts to do some of the things I have done. I know there is an intangible force that sustains, guides, and supports us when the tank is dry but there are still miles to drive.
Today my evidence came in the form of Zoe. Just as the whole family was getting ready to give into the lonely image of Sabrina leaving alone and being put through the security theatre with us kept on the other side...... We see Zoe. Zoe is a girl from Albany High School who is also going to Ecuador. There she was in her blue blazer. By the time the line snakes twice, Sabrina and Zoe are oblivious to their families, and are shucking and jiving like it is a line at the grocery store. No additional tears, woe, dread.....nothing. While that is happening, Zoe's Mom and Kimberly are kibitzing about messy rooms, late night phone calls, and how the girls are still girls. Complaining is the comfort food of Mom's.
I was well pleased that my daughter handled this. I know most people would explain the "of courses" of 2 girls going to Ecuador meeting there. As for me.... I like to credit the angels. I am not willing to give them up. I like to think that my deceased grandparents, and Sabrina's deceased grandfather told those angels now precious this cargo is. I predict that over the next 10 months those angels will appear again and again.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
At the edge of the high dive
This moment feels like it does when you get to the edge of the high diving board, and you have to jump.
I was never one to go back down the ladder, once I am there, I am going. As you walk and have diving board all around you think... what if I lose my balance.
The trick is to not look down, don't consider what could go wrong. Take a deep deep breath, and feel the wonder of being alive. Your ears hear, your skin feels the breeze. The peril is what make your senses keen, and your mind focus.
I heard that Alfred Hitchcock said he wanted people to feel the delight that comes when you wake up from a nightmare.
I know that my daughter will come home in 10 months, and that we will be filled with Joy. I know that she will have a depth, and sense of perspective that they don't sell at the mall. I am willing to be afraid, and sad, and lonely because I know that the gifts will last a lifetime.
My daughter is precious to me (of course she is.) I wonder why we always have to surrender the things we love deeply. It seems like a real universal truth of life.
I will use this blog to cronicle what Sabrina is missing, and maybe a future Rotary student or parent will trip across it and find it comforting.
Gods Speed Sabrina. I trust that you will have the hand of God on your shoulder and the goodwill of your host family to sustain you. Nothing you will ever treasure comes easy. This experience promises to be a very big challenge for you. You will experience lonliness, frustration, and discomfort in 1,000 forms. These memories are the pearls you will treasure most when you are on the other side of this experience.
I love you, and am at your call whenever you need me.
Love,
Your Dad
I was never one to go back down the ladder, once I am there, I am going. As you walk and have diving board all around you think... what if I lose my balance.
The trick is to not look down, don't consider what could go wrong. Take a deep deep breath, and feel the wonder of being alive. Your ears hear, your skin feels the breeze. The peril is what make your senses keen, and your mind focus.
I heard that Alfred Hitchcock said he wanted people to feel the delight that comes when you wake up from a nightmare.
I know that my daughter will come home in 10 months, and that we will be filled with Joy. I know that she will have a depth, and sense of perspective that they don't sell at the mall. I am willing to be afraid, and sad, and lonely because I know that the gifts will last a lifetime.
My daughter is precious to me (of course she is.) I wonder why we always have to surrender the things we love deeply. It seems like a real universal truth of life.
I will use this blog to cronicle what Sabrina is missing, and maybe a future Rotary student or parent will trip across it and find it comforting.
Gods Speed Sabrina. I trust that you will have the hand of God on your shoulder and the goodwill of your host family to sustain you. Nothing you will ever treasure comes easy. This experience promises to be a very big challenge for you. You will experience lonliness, frustration, and discomfort in 1,000 forms. These memories are the pearls you will treasure most when you are on the other side of this experience.
I love you, and am at your call whenever you need me.
Love,
Your Dad
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